Awakening

i woke up with the usual dry mouth. Consistency to quit smoking hasn't been that great of late. I know i should give up coz i hate having to sneak out from the unit every few hours lying to my 6 yr old son just for a drag! n' i hate waking up with parched throat n' pungent mouth. but i need the substance for a short break away from everyone....i need my space, a space to breathe n' think clearly n' gather my wandering thoughts. Running around insanely to secure a future for my family, being torn between household chores, family time, professional commitment and a distant love.......feels like i'm on a merry-g0-round...spinning in circles over n' over n' over again! if only ANYONE knew what's going on in my head or in my life.....there are bits and pieces of me scattered everywhere. I know i need to collect them and build my own identity, create a life! when things go wrong and i find myself cornered in the dark spot, i lick my own wounds and console...

i lay here, in a small space in bed,trying to extract the meaning of life i've led so far. i try to weigh n' calculate and remember all the losses and the gains i've made in terms of my own identity. sleep just seems to slip every now n then, leaving me dry and sucked. i conjure up all the energy i have and think hard where i went wrong....to come to a point of awakening where my mind floats and i feel lighter sans the burden! why is it all so muddled? why isnt there any enlightening? am i too sinful? or is it just a labyrinth? i try to hum a lullaby to put myself to sleep..... i fail yet again.