Rambling my heart out with no structure

When it takes more than a decade NOT knowing somebody......When conforming to the norm is much more peaceful than being right....sometimes convenience and conformity is better for everyone. I know love. Being chastised isn't an easy thing......When giving up isn't about being weak but is being strong enough to stop fighting.

 When there are more silences than tears...when there are many wounds than words to describe them, when pain is deeper than soul's residence...when even memories start a war against you......how can you expect me to survive??? My soul is long dead.....my body merely living its existence......

He never doubted her....she never doubted him...but they never confessed to each other how much they loved each other....unspoken yet undoubtable ...intense ....unconditional ......they were madly in love with each other! 

When u love reading...u sort of start living those pages...those stories ...u don't realize when the book ends & the real life begins...u don't know when real life becomes so burdensome that it's better to live in those storybooks...,ur heart aches everytime u look at the book and then u look at ur life...what's real anymore.......being fragile  and vulnerable isn't the same as being weak ......sometimes opposite.... I built A Wall Around Myself.

When words are spoken and there is no way you can take it back, I wish you could understand that silence is far better than some wounding vocabulary. I know you never want to hurt me, because you have promised to protect me, but that uncertainty cannot be disguised by the contours of your face....I read them too well.......

I try to enter the world of haze....where I can lose myself to numbness of my mind......even that refuses to make me a companion. I have no refuge.......the pungency accompanying into the awakening of my vivid life.....where can I lose myself and then rediscover again???

You ask me to bare my soul and yet you forget to see beyond my body...You try to access me with the wrong password then you accuse me of being an isolated bird.

With a bruised, bleeding and aching heart I strive to match the candid smile in your face. Instead of a, “Honey, what’s wrong, you look ill", I get the usual,"Damn! How the hell can anyone live with this corpse?"     

Farce life.....pirated emotions... a pun of life!

Waiting for my final call, when all this will end and relieve me of this immense pain.....No, I am not elusive. I am not that coward....I wait on days...to get over.....because I still carry few hopes in my heart.......hopes of greener youth.....hopes of undying faith...hopes of new enthusiasm to fill my depressed thoughts..... If reading could alleviate me, it could have long back.......it’s not in those words I read that I find solace. I require human touch...I search for that unconditional love.......where my melancholy doesn't negate the whole environment...

The hurt is gone now....I cried rivers the minute u uttered those words n as the tears trickled down my cheeks, so did all my emotions got swept away.....u washed my emotions away with those unthoughtful hurting words. I wonder if it was on purpose to get rid of me easily but it doesn't matter now coz u were successful!!

No one is born a loser but neither is one born a winner! It’s not pathetic to ventilate your innermost fears or emotions! Why is it hard for people to own up their shortfalls or to swallow their pride? Don’t you know love can't be begged, granted or snatched; it has to flow from within! How can u hate someone u once loved so intensely?

Why am I so alone? There are people who want to be with me but they are not the ones I have feelings for.... I long for companionship, for romance, for special moments, for undivided attention.... why aren't I happy with whatever I have got? Is it becoz I don’t happen to be the priority? Why am I being so harsh on myself n others? Or am I not letting go n dragging the relationship? I hate to be such a drag.... it's not love; it can't be love if it's a drag....

I happen to be fiercely independent, but look at the prices I have paid all along for that freedom! Why is everyone racing for something?? Why is everyone in such a rush?? Am I too lost in myself that I don't see the obvious? I don't seem to feel a connection to anything that's supposed to be my roots. All my life I've rebelled against almost every belief n customs inherent to my culture/tradition, does that make me a traitor? I weigh all beliefs thrown at me at birth. I don't identify myself with any culture…..I identify myself with ME, the person in me who's strived all her life to create her own beliefs n who follows her own rules... Does that make me an exile from my roots?

After every dusk, there's a dawn? Behind every whinge, there's concern n care? I'd like to think so every time BUT fuck it! I just can't be bothered trying to bring out positives out of every single negative!!! Let me be just an ordinary human being with all possible imperfections n at least some perfection.....we only live ONCE!! What's wrong in being ordinary??

Fiercely independent and outspoken; I would withdraw from any forms of communication and networking rather than lie; I would outrightly admit own mistakes n tell u exactly how it is rather than sweet talk/kiss arses; I would unfalteringly stand up for the right causes and create a stir rather than follow ridiculous double standards ; I would rather instigate true enemies than be with fake friends; would rather be called an arrogant bitch than maintain a hypocritical relationship : This is me and this is who I am! I'd rather be messy than a freak with an annoying fakeness !! Thank fuck I don't have to please anyone.

Have I told you that I am stronger than ever? Have I told you that despite the myriads of let downs, betrayals & backstabbing, I'm somehow still very resilient & willing to trust everyone ? I believe in being humane...I believe that goodness will overcome badness someday ...I believe my vulnerability has made me open up my eyes whilst still keeping the faintest of faith.....no matter how much u break me I’ll always be brave enough to pick up my broken pieces & put them back together &triumphantly flaunt the ragged cracks even when u r mocking me!  U can take away my wealth, u can take away my sanity, u can defame me, insult me, but u cannot take away my bond with myself.....we all make mistakes &if u can point ur finger at me then surely I'm the only one whose made that mistake but I acknowledge it & want to mend it...at least I have an insight. So go on, keep letting me down, I have more faith than u can possibly break!

……………With such an ease I find myself opening up with u....with no inhibitions I feel so free....there's such a bond that needs no words, no proof, no frequency--it's just there, mutually understood. We don't talk very often these days, we haven't even seen each other for years! But the connection will always be there....even 2minutes with u...it feels so good, it's for real while it lasts. I don't remember the last time I touched ur face but I still clearly Remember how ur smile felt in my fingers....the way u always make me feel.....the way u always tell me how beautiful I am just the way I am...how u spread ur lazy smile into my open heart....how easily u share urself with me....even though it was one dream that never got realized, I just want u to know that u'll always be one true special one in my heart forever. I have no words....no hopes...no sulking ...just sweet memories ....of us being happy ...of us living hundreds of lives in those few special unforgettable moments....

U know it's been over hundred years now n no matter what u say, no matter how different I try to be, but u have managed to be in my dreams, in my heart n in my thoughts since those early days :) I don't say it to u but u make me come alive! U still make me drool over u...u drive me nuts to want to laugh n play with u ;) some stories r meant to end in happy ways. My story with u is meant to just keep going romping happy with no ending to it …… I'll keep it that way always in my heart…...we discovered our frailties together through  massive downturns n some beautiful trails too, we soared high n hit rock bottom too, we fought but we made up too & we've redefined relationship in a way no one knows n understands ...

When I meet people, I never go by what others tell me; I let them grow & prove themselves...I let myself grow & be understanding & accepting of them and their idiosyncrasies...if I'm blunt & forthcoming with u that's coz I'd rather be honest & withdraw than maintain an edgy, judgmental & bitchy conversation! And if I'm really bitchy drawing conclusions, then that just means I'm done with my longstanding nonjudgmental patience with you!!! Done With Selfish Attitudes …Suck It Up Princess.

I leave an empty canvas for each one of you to paint it yourself n leave ur mark; for those who choose to be indifferent or judgmental, I do not hold any grudges against you coz it's not my place or job to forgive or decide how u come across to me. U r the one who can create either beautiful moments & leave indelible marks on my heart or spray paint angry themes! u all have been in dark holes at some point in ur life before, u know what to do to not be in the other side of that dark tunnel. .

We all know, have heard of or stumbled across at least one person in our lives who represents our alter ego.......someone who takes huge risks without thinking of the stability, comfort or the convenience they r throwing away for what could turn out a futile chase, risks that u've always wanted to take (but thought u couldn't afford to take!); someone who blurts out the truth without thinking about the consequences just like u wish u could....,someone who lives the most outrageous, rebellious & interesting life that u can only talk about.....someone who isn't bound by rituals, boundaries, age, gender or anything for that matter .....who challenges everyday mundane life in a whirlwind kind of way just with their views....someone who has earned ur bitter-sweet-love-hate opinion coz they kind of r a recluse....someone you may even dislike so much coz they are all that u ever wish u could be!!! Its ME

Creating a niche for myself  ....away from all the ho-hums, disentangled from worldly matters, disengaging myself from meaningless riffraffs, disassociating myself from famous ties! Whoa it's been a whirlpool kind of self-making process but one that was worth every disinterested glance & smirk thrown towards me...to hell with ur self-proclaimed associations, I'm just happy being notorious!

My long held belief is disturbingly shattered this time….. Reminiscing only to realise, I couldn't have belonged there at any stage of my life. I couldn't have belonged to such unthankful & ungrateful society --seems like no one ever learnt to say "Thank you"!!! coz whatever small & seemingly insignificant gift or favour you receive, there should be a sense of gratitude…….I couldn't have belonged to such a bitchy, blaming, demanding, unapologetic & unforgiving environment --coz no one ever seemed to have any humanity or insight to say sorry! For however small mistake you make, there should be conscientious in you to own up, to apologise & not to repeat it again instead of blaming or finding faults in others to cover up ur own wrongdoings. …..I couldn't have belonged to such a divided, judgemental, biased, unforgiving & narrow minded place coz no one ever seemed to accept the dynamics of human nature & this changing world! For if your views & biasness haven't changed according to this ever moving & changing galactic world then surely ur mindset is stagnant & outdated. ……I couldn't have belonged to such opportunistic & self-centred society where every conversation revolves around own betterment with no consideration to future generation or to others & if things don't go accordingly to such egocentric motives then people don't hesitate to cut you off their lives! For whatever you do & say, it's proven that no wo(man) is an island.

So, I'm glad I don't belong there! I never had, never have, never will!!! I've found my home, my roots! For home is where ur heart is!!! People here maybe time poor & busy, but they do have a sense of conscientious, insight, guilt, gratitude & content! This is where I always belonged----this is my home!!!