Unseen Demons

Every time memes and messages about how parents are great or something similar flashes on my timeline or social media space, I shudder. Not because my parents weren’t great but because my relationship with my sole parent has become so toxic that I’ve cut ties with her. To be fair, I have assumed my share of responsibilities towards her. I have made mistakes just like any human does. She’s had a fair share of trials and trepidations too. Despite all those emotionally bonding crests and troughs, it has left our relationship toxic instead.

I’m not the only offspring that has undergone such toxic battle with parents, though. So many friends and people I know have shared similar plights. Especially when they are dealing with controlling and toxic parents or in-laws.

Unsolicited interference in children’s relationship, unreasonable pressure and demands, favouritism to one child, unfair treatment, taking sides of certain children etc. could be one of many reasons that distances children and their spouses from their parents/in-laws emotionally.

Talking about in-laws, many relationships weather the storm of egotistical, interfering and controlling in-laws simply because they live with them or because they rely on them to help out with child-minding duties due to their hectic work-home scenario. Even a well-laid foundation of a mature relationship can start to crumble when in-laws come into the equation. Imagine when the foundation isn’t very strong to start off with?

Lots of arranged marriages seem to work despite unreasonable demands, authority, entitlement and tantrums from in-laws. Maybe because there are no expectations that their spouses will stand up for them since they married a total stranger. The toxicity in a relationship worsens if the partners chose each other to be in it. There’s an unspoken expectation that they will defend us and stand up for us if the occasion arises. Let-downs from such reasonable expectation could be very damaging to the relationship.

Especially couples living abroad are facing challenges that sound even scarier. Remarkably for women, it seems to be so much harder overseas without any moral support especially when they are the main income earners as well as the mothers.

In the last two decades I have spent living abroad, seven years have been directly involved in teaching and facilitating Bachelor’s level or Fast-Track Master’s level Nursing students. Their harrowing stories of cruel in-laws or indifferent parents have only been expressed by some friends out of dire necessity to not lose sanity or by students seeking counselling through university because they could not handle the mental stress anymore.

I would not have come across such open admissions of torturous parental toxicity had I not been directly involved in dealing with students’ issues as part of my role to consider overall factors that impact a student’s performance in the course curriculum or if I had not been emotionally available and nonjudgmental to some close friends and relatives.

“I cook, I clean, I do all the grocery shopping, I get kids to their piano lessons or sports, I do laundry, I feed them and put them to sleep, I work full time AND I study full time. He stays home and does nothing. He says he can’t find a better paying job. He says he’s a man of the house and he’s never learnt to do womanly chores. I’m fed up. I feel like I’m a single mother. He’s almost non-existent except every month when he has to send my hard earned money to his parents,” said one female student with heartbreak.

“He doesn’t know how to balance a wife and his mother. A woman has to learn to please in-laws and everyone but a man can’t even be bothered to balance two important women in his life? He always takes the easy way out and disappears when there’s tension in the house. I try avoiding his mum’s drama but she drags me in and gives me sarcastic mouthfuls every single time! I have so much things to tackle, I don’t need relationship strain right now. My wicked in-laws and my mouse of a husband is ruining my peace and now I cannot focus on either studies or work,” recounted another.

“I thought our relationship was the strongest but since his mum arrived, I’m now doubting if we ever had a solid base. He is a changed person completely in front of his parents. I feel they are ganging up on me. I feel like an outsider in my own home. If it weren’t for the baby, I’d send them away immediately. But I might end up divorcing the way things are going. If he cannot stand up for me when I’m alone and need his support, what’s the point?” said another frazzled friend.

Image credit: ffoyahouse.com

With the influx of parents arriving in Australia, Nepali community members seem busier than ever to help organise group tours, welcome programmes, community involvement etc. for those parents to ease into Australian context. But there’s a big gap in addressing these household issues that majority of women seem to be facing precisely after their in-laws arrive in Australia. I could debate a lot more on why men should learn to be better equipped to handle these home tug-of-war but that’s for another day.

My concerns are for those already stretched women who have to maintain home, kids, work, tradition and in-laws in a land where there is no other family or support meanwhile risking their lifelong relationship. Are parental visits worth risking your lifeline/relationship for? My concerns are also for those parents who come here to enjoy but forget how their presence could affect their kids’ relationship. After all, when the storms have subsided, will their children be the same again?

The aftermath can be more dangerous than the hurricane itself. Mental health of these women are at highest stake. These women are doing it tough, putting their mental health at risk in the long run. This is only a fractional representation of what is happening behind the façade they are forced to put up with. I got to learn of these grave issues either because I was directly involved in responding to occupational health and safety hazards of my students or through confessions of close relatives and friends. I am definite that these would go unreported, unnoticed and untold on any ordinary day. It’s not surprising to see rising number of divorce and suicides amongst Nepalese living abroad.

We need parents to think thousand times before sending their children abroad for brighter future. Ask: are you being like those blind parents whose daughters are holding the fort all by themselves? Are you being those cruel in-laws whose presence is creating ripples in your children’s otherwise peaceful lives?